Dream On
by Biryoshka
Summary: NEW CHAPTER! After their long friendship Tanuma decides to leave village for the better. In his absence Natsume realizes his feelings for him, his weakness and fears. Years later Tanuma returns to take over his father's shrine, and to reveal the true reason of his disappearance. In the meantime Natori also shows up and trouble begins. Based on the Aerosmith track "Dream on".
1. chapter 1

Hi guys. This is the first fanfiction I ever published. Of course I do a lot of writing, but on my mother language, and a different genre. I just came to love Natsume and Tanuma so much :3 So I want them to be able to love each other as well! I fact, I plan this story to be looooong. It is based on the Aerosmith song "Dream on" - it's just perfect, listen to it!

I plan some Tactics and Mushishi elements, love, action and a bit of sex :D So, please, comment and help me getting better in this genre, and finish this story for you! And for the boy's sake :)

Argh, and sorry for my language imperfections.

Love and hugs,

Biryoshka

Like dusk to dawn

It was half a year before they were to finish high-school when Tanuma announced his leaving. He was somewhat suspicious from the beginning of the semester, but Natsume thought it was only his paranoia. He was also being busy with giving back names and his eventual business with Natori-san. These were enough to keep him from noticing what was going on.

True, his friend had put enormous effort into learning during the past few months. But he was always eager to learn and was one of the few people who enjoyed school. So about Tanuma decision to take his final exams at the end of the first semester, Natsume got to know just the exact same day when he came to school for the last time.

He wore a black suit Natsume has never seen before, and a faint, distant smile – this latter was more familiar. It took only a few minutes for the boy to remember it was the same smile Tanuma had when they first met. No, he was not honest... He actually knew something was going on. But he didn't want to notice. No matter how many times he told Tanuma he did not want him to be involved in his youkai troubles, it had never once crossed his mind that his friend would finally obey and back out.

That day Tanuma had been waiting for them in front of the school, at the bench where they usually had lunch together. Nishimura, Kitamoto and Taki had already been there. He still could recall the cold grab in his chest that he felt by the sight of his friends, Tanuma wearing that formal outfit which made him look as if he was up for a funeral. Well, their faces reflected somewhat the same. Even Nyanko-sensei noticed the change in mood and hopped off his shoulder, saying something as unimportant and insensitive as usual, something about that he could only take gloomy humans after enough sake. With that statement he was already off. It was better like that though. Natsume would remember he was pretty hurt by that behavior, but Nyanko-sensei really was not a great help with emotions, and his comments wouldn't have made the situation any better. In fact he got enough of his care later on.

As Natsume approached the depressed bunch, he still managed to pull a small smile as they greeted each other. It was a long silence that followed, so he cleared his throat, looking for something painfully stupid to ask. Something like:

"That is a pretty uniform, Tanuma. Is it new?" or "What's the occasion? You overdressed all of us."

He could never actually remember what he had asked, no matter how many times he got to recall the day. His line would change as the least important part, but his question must have been particularly blunt since his friends' reaction was a slight chuckle. In a situation like that, it was clearly an achievement.

"Natsume" he heard Tanuma's deep voice. The smile had disappeared in an instance. He was looking at his friend, waiting for him to continue but Tanuma fell silent. Natsume's only thought was that the black uniform made his eyes even blacker, if that was possible at all. Compared to that, Tanuma's hair got a bluish shine, like raven feathers. He was a painfully beautiful sight.

"Tanuma is leaving the village" it was either Kitamoto or Nishimura to speak up.

Whichever, the shock was so intense, the gap between two heartbeats so long, that his memories became blurry. He had no recollections of the following minutes. They probably went on explaining the situation. Tanuma held his school leaving documents tight to his chest, that's his only clear memory. He was also sure he learnt at that time, that his friend was planning this already for months, and that he decided to join his father on a trip, this time not only for a few weeks, but maybe even a year or so.

Natsume remembered all those conversations about their future, when they both found comfort in each other's indecisiveness. He remembered those lightheaded laughters, and the silly jokes about what future jobs they could imagine for the other. Tanuma would be either a teacher, oversleeping his lessons, or the drummer of the national orchestra who would always screw up that one single beat he'd need to play. Tanuma would laugh and punch Natsume's arm lightly during those talks. And Natsume, he would be a politician speaking up for youkai rights. "You would be the indispensable fool of the parliament, who would be neither right nor left wing as there are no one-winged youkai to be known." Natsume had been so sure they would still be sharing these jokes, even if with growing anxiety, but for at least one more year or so. He was sure he would find some unimportant job near the village, and that his friend would simply take over his father's shrine. He never considered reality. Never ever.

Now reality came as a punch in his face; Tanuma had been planning to leave for so long and didn't say a single word. It hurt. It hurt so much that for a while it simply shut his feelings down. His senses, his mind went blank and for a long time, for months as he recalled, all his emotions were shallow and superficial.

"I have to go in a week" Tanuma said. He spoke to all of them, but to Natsume it felt as if Tanuma directed his words only to him. "My father is going a bit earlier, so he allowed me to have a good bye party in the house. So... If you would like to... I would be happy to have you there for one more time."

One more time, he said. In the first months, Natsume would ruminate over this phrase several times, looking for the answer; was it one more time, or just one more, but not the last time? To simplify it; will Tanuma be back? Will he ever return? But as to most of the unspoken questions, he has received no answer at all.

Tanuma's father had left in two days. At least according to the lower class youkai who lived close by, his chanting could not be heard anymore. In those days Tanuma did not show his face at all, and Natsume came to the conclusion he was deliberately avoiding him. Ever since his announcement, they could not look at each other straight in the eye. In a short hour, just as the five of them walked home that day, the tension between them became so intense, he couldn't take it anymore. He came up with a half cooked excuse and fled. As he ran across the fields towards the nearby river, he was trying to name his feelings. Lost in his thoughts, he failed to notice the huge hairy youkai approaching him.

When he woke, a day later, he had high fever and only a comfortably seated Nyanko-sensei on his stomach would let him know, he was being a wimp again. The hairy youkai wanted the Book of Friends, indeed, and Natsume would have been eaten in an instant if Nyanko-sensei did not show up. He brought Natsume back to the Fujiwara house, where Touko-san found him lying in the yard. Anaemia, they would say, as always.

"Not as if anaemia would produce fever" yawned the fat cat and licked his paws before rolling up again. Natsume was only half conscious, therefore he only remembered he was over-anxious about something, but he could not recall what it was. The fact that Tanuma's name kept echoing in his head was actually nothing new. It would happen every now and then when he was too weak to have control of his mind.

This is how he finally ended up seeing Tanuma only once during his last week. It took him three days to recover, and even after he felt so weak that Touko-san forced him to stay in bed. As he started remembering Tanuma's words, he was overtaken by something he could best describe as panic. He tried calling the shrine for several times, but the line was off. It was logical, as there was no one to take over the shrine. Why would they need a phone? Natsume knew and understood this, but even like that, while listening to Nyanko-sensei's mocking, he would try dialling Tanuma's number. In those short seconds of fake hope he imagined his friend's soft, low voice greeting him, and his heart always skipped a beat when he heard a click... Maybe this time he really would get through... But then finally only a mechanical voice would speak up, letting him know – for the tenth time that day – that the number he called did not exist.

It was only one day left until the party when Natsume was allowed to leave the house. He tried only twice to climb over his widow, but one time the middle-class were drinking heavily on the rooftop and have held him up with something irritatingly stupid, the other day it was Touko-san and Shigeru-san having a romantic star watching in the garden. Natsume was already halfway out when he noticed them. They were seated close to each other, Touko-san's head resting peacefully on the man's shoulder. The moonlight was soft and somehow warm on them. And before he knew, Natsume was frozen to the windowsill by some alien pain. "I thought you were going" – he heard Nyanko-sensei from his feet and the fat cat jumped next to him. "Impossible" – Natsume stated, pointing towards the couple. "I don't want to disturb" – he added when Sensei gave him a suspicious look. "You COULD sneak out" – stated the cat, and the boy knew he really had the chance. But he just couldn't bring himself to risk the breaking of the Fujiwara's rare moment for themselves. For their love. "I should" – he mumbled. But did not move. The Fujiwaras deserved this moment. They shared their lives with each other for so long. As for Natsume... He did not share his life with anyone. Well, except Nyanko-sensei, but the image of them sitting under the moonlight the same way was just hilarious. "Wimpy as always" – yawned the cat and withdrew to the warmth of Natsume's room. Yes, right – the boy thought. He was a coward. He could have shared his life with someone. With Tanuma, for example. With Tanuma, as the only example. Gosh, he MUST see Tanuma, he knew, but the more he knew, the less chance he had. He was up until 4am, when the sun rose. The Fujiwaras talked over the night. Natsume fell asleep on the windowsill without even noticing, and woke only when Touko-san knocked on his door to bring breakfast and some letters.

And then there was only one day left. Only one.

As they walked towards Tanuma's house, it became clear that the weaker youkai have already taken back the fields around the shrine. Natsume remembered it was just the same before Tanuma's father had taken over the place and his everyday chants and extra prayers cleared the surrounding area. As he slowed his steps, keeping half an eye on the new youkai guys hiding in the bushes, he also remembered that his friendship with the middle class and the whole Dog's Circle was somewhat thanks to the old monk. The memories of those days swept over him like a whirlwind. From the day when he first sensed the change, to the day when he learnt about the new student in school. How excited the girls were! He needed to smile. Well, the black haired boy was surely not a let down when it came to his looks, but his behaviour was another thing. Just how lonely they were... And what a long way they came. He felt his lips pulling into a bittersweet smile, just when Sensei, who was trying to keep up with his pace, broke the silence.

"Hey, Natsume."

"What?"

"You're gonna clear out the whole flora and fauna with that gloom on your face."

Natsume stared at the cat. He just realised this was the first time he didn't even think of putting effort into hiding his emotions. The comment took him completely off guard. Was it mockery or rather caution?

"Sensei..."

He was not planning to say anything, therefore it came by luck that the fat youkai haven't even let him continue.

"You think there will be sake as well?"

"Wha...?! Sensei! Is that the only reason you are coming for?"

"Not the only one. Of course not. For fried shrimp and grilled octopus as well."

Natsume couldn't recall which emotion dominated, his frustration about the cat giving a damn about Tanuma's leaving or gratitude, that he actually got pulled out of his miserable mental state for a moment.

"That's so tasteless."

"What? Shrimp?"

"SENSEI! You know what I mean. How can you only think of food and alcohol at a time like this?!"

"At a time like what?" – the cat squinted at Natsume. "Are we not going to a party? Otherwise..." – he stopped and showed up a handwritten invitation as a trump card. "I have special invitation."

Sadly, he had a point there. While Natsume was sleeping on the windowsill, Tanuma had probably showed up to hand over two invitation cards to Touko-san, both handmade; one for him and one for Nyanko-sensei. His contained some basic lines, but more importantly a silly drawing of partying youkai. Tanuma's sketches were clearly based on the stories Natsume told about the Dog's Circle, they resembled so much. He even laughed a little at the sight. He wouldn't have thought someone would ever pay so much attention to his words and would even remember them. Nyanko-sensei's on the other hand had drawings of shrimp and octopus. And sake. It was so easy to buy him.

"It is nor for you. It is for Ponta" – Natsume remembered, and he thought it was his chance to strike back.

"That's just my incognito. Besides... It's not my fault that your friend is so weak in the head."

"WHAT" – that was getting clearly an insult. "Do you know what Ponta is? A fat name. A fat name for a fat cat."

"WHO'S FAT?! It's round. ROUND."

"Ah" – Natsume said slyly. "So you finally admit you are a cat."

Nyanko-sensei face was priceless as he stared at Natsume, and he finally couldn't help laughing. Just a few moments later though, the youkai sniffed the air, and his eyes shining up, he ran off towards the house that was hiding behind some high-grown trees. "That's my shrimp-shrimp-shrimp" – he heard Sensei singing. Before he could call after him, Tanuma showed up at the turn of the road, waving his hand towards him.

Natsume felt his heart sunk, and had to force his feet to move on. The question, whether to bother about his smile crossed his mind in an instant; it made no sense in front of his friend. And he still felt that damn smile appearing on his lips.

"The loudest couple of he neighborhood arrived" – Tanuma smiled back.

"Whoa. We are not so close" – Natsume tried joking.

It was awkward. He was waiting for Tanuma to lecture him about his fake smile, or his carelessness about walking alone in the forest... But none of the usual lines came. It was only a sigh-like "Yeah" – Tanuma managed and then fell silent.

"Well, I'm sorry for not visi..."

"Well, I'm sorry that I fell ill and..."

They started talking at the same time and stopped at the same time as well. Tanuma laughed a little, but his laughter was as forced as Natsume's smiles. We are even the same way awkward... – would Natsume think later. They were like each others reflections.

"You first" – Tanuma said.

"Ah... No, I mean..." – Natsume felt a painful blush on his cheeks. Should he reveal his present for Tanuma now? Should he give him the clumsy notebook he made...? Should...?

"Well. Then come in. I'm happy you came" – Tanuma's voice cut his hesitation in half, and he turned away. "The others are in the garden already. And... Well, as I hear, Ponta and Taki also had their reunion."

With that, he was already walking towards the back yard.

"Well, thank you for the invitation..." – he whispered to himself, following Tanuma to the others.

The party though was unexpectedly good. Even Nyanko-sensei shared this opinion which was rather rare. Otherwise he hated spending time with humans, wimps particularly. But Tanuma really took him as a special guest. And if this not had been flattering enough, he revealed some bottles of sake. They were in the garden, making a bonfire, barbecuing whatever could be barbecued, Nishimura's hand too, but there was no emergency. It was so nice, sharing the day with these warm people, telling stories, calling back old memories, playing games Natsume have never got to play before, and rolling the completely drunk Nyanko-sensei around the house. Nishimura and Kitamoto magically haven't caught the sight of the youkai emptying the bottles, so they were stuck at the idea of the cat breaking a bottle accidentally and licking up the liquor. Natsume was first really tense about the whole thing but his friends kept talking about how cool it was that Sensei could drink, and they even made up superhero stories about him. So after a while he figured it was just fine, and only him, Taki and Tanuma shared a knowing smile.

If the lights never had started fading, if the air had not gone chillier – so much they finally had to go back to the house – , and if only he had not seen the empty rooms... Natsume could have forgotten the reason that brought them together that day. While the others went on laughing, he felt his mood fading with the day. He kept looking around in the empty house, searching for any objects to hold onto as a memento of those times he spent here. Those long talks they had after the lights were off. The smell of breakfast coming from the distance as he woke, to find Tanuma already in the kitchen – where he came out to be really clever. Now it was only the laid out tatamis, and a few boxes with the "Tanuma" name written on each side.

"What's in those?" – Nishimura asked, already peeking into one without permission. A CD box fell off and the disc rolled out.

Tanuma just walked back to the room, and followed the disc's route towards Natsume's feet. When, bumping into his feet, it have finally stopped, the boys looked at each other. For the first time, into the eye, since Tanuma's announcement. It took about two seconds, but even that short time seemed heartbreakingly long, before the black haired boy turned to place the tray he carried on the floor. He brought fresh tea and some snacks. Natsume sighed. He had a slight hope that would help lifting the heavy pressure in his chest, but it did not.

"Leftovers" – Tanuma explained, while pouring tea. "Mostly my father's old stuff. We can't really bring a lot of things, but we did not want to throw out the rest, so... An old friend will come over tomorrow and takes those. We'll decide later what to do with them."

"Oh?" – Nishimura raised an eyebrow. "Since he was a priest... I mean there might be some interesting stuff in there?"

Tanuma laughed. "I don't know what you mean."

"Some sacred, maybe" – Kitamoto joined.

"Nay. Not really" – Tanuma shook his head with a smile. "Well, sacred in another way. It's rather his memories from the early days you know. You may dive in, if you're interested. I don't think he would mind, anyway."

That was the trigger, and the two boys were already jumping heads front into the boxes, pulling out letters and notebooks, whatever they found.

Natsume picked up the CD, and took a look. It was a CD of an old band, judging by the look of the guys printed on the disc. They must have been European or American. He did not want to look at Tanuma, or join the other boys' silly quest, nor taking advantage of Sensei's drunken state as Taki did, so he rather examined the moustached , long-haired guys closer.

"Aerosmith. That was my dad's fav..." – he heard Tanuma's voice suddenly from so close he almost jumped. He felt his cheeks blushing as he peeked over his shoulder and detected how close his friend stood.

"O... Oh...?"

Tanuma gave him a faint, but soft smile and Natsume couldn't help thinking it was like the last , warm sunbeam that was to disappear at the horizon.

"If once it is out... We could listen, right?" – he took the disc from Natsume, their fingers softly brushing together. While Tanuma seemed neutral about the touch, Natsume felt his whole face burning as well as the thin line from his fingers to his knuckles.

He couldn't even manage an answer, his friend already stepped away. Now that his body was not behind Natsume's, he could feel the chilly air seeping in under the door. He shivered and touched his back pocked instinctly, where he held the Book of Friends, and the present he still needed to give... But the present was nowhere. He felt his pockets again.

No way...

He lost it. But where? When? He wanted to go out searching, but couldn't come up with a good excuse. And what would happen if a youkai chose this time to attack? Was he ready with any explanation for Tanuma if the events took such a turn? No. And otherwise... He didn't want any youkai be drawn close to the house by accident. No matter how much it ached... it seemed his farewell to Tanuma was meant to be fucked up from the very beginning.

In the meantime, Taki helped Tanuma find a player, and the music was shortly on. It was old rock, and really strange to listen to. Especially for Natsume whose mood was so bad he actually just grew more frustrated about the guitar solos.

But the others seemed to get enthusiastic, and equipped with some thick books, they gathered around the snacks and tea.

"Is this the type of music priests listen to...?" Nishimura asked, laughing a little.

"Yeah, it's just weird" Kitamoto nodded.

"I don't really know what other priests do" Tanuma scratched his head. "But my father used to listen to his band a lot."

"It sounds like... I don't know. It's not as peaceful as you would imagine a priest" Taki noted.

"Ah well" Tanuma smiled softly. "I guess not. But my father always said that listening to it drew the bad emotions out of him, so he could stay positive."

"That's rather nice" Taki smiled and squeezed Nyanko-sensei a bit more. The poor cat seemed sick.

"Yes, but otherwise not even my father was born as a priest... I mean..." Tanuma glanced at Nishimura and Kitamoto, who were already running through one of the thick books they had found in the box. It was the yearbook of Tanuma father, still from the seventies.

Soon the laughter grew louder than the music, as the friends have found the yearbook picture of Tanuma's dad – like a more round faced Tanuma, but with hilariously long, wavy black hair, a thin moustache and John Lennon style glasses. Kitamito was laughing so hard his tears were flowing.

"What's with that worm under your dad's nose, Tanuma?" he gaped.

"Let him be" Tanuma laughed as well, trying to get back the book. "That was all he managed to grow."

Now even Natsume laughed a little. A small, sad laughter. But the sight really had been just ridiculous. He was awfully happy on the other hand that the younger Tanuma had not even tried with moustache growing. When he gave sound to his relief, a small intermezzo came, where Nishimura chased the poor Tanuma around the house with a permanent ink-marker to try moustache styles on him, and they all laughed hard.

It was finally Taki to break the chase, and by grabbing the black haired boy's hand, she pulled him back to the ground.

"Just stop for a moment. If once the yearbook... Well, I know this is not the final version, but I asked for our yearbook. So that you can take your memories with you..." she blushed slightly. "If you wanted to."

She revealed a neatly wrapped book, with a pretty bow on it. Natsume watched it and thought of his crappy notebook once again. He should be going to search for it. But who knows where and when he had lost it? Even if he found it, maybe it was already soaky of dew, and would look even crappier. The whole making of it was a silly and ridiculous idea, anyway. No, even worse. It was pathetic and sad.

Tanuma blushed too, but managed a shy thank you to Taki.

"Thank you... But you shouldn't gave... I mean... It means a lot, but..."

"Come on, you deserve it" Nishimura stated.

"Yeah, and this one, too" Kitamoto revealed another box and grinned at Nishimura. "It's from the two of us.

While Tanuma seemed to be at loss of words, Natsume felt as if the ground opened under him. So everyone was making presents... And they even managed to deliver it. What on earth was the problem with him?

"Open it!" Nishimura kept poking Tanuma's arm, so the boy opened the clumsy package. It was an apron with the picture of fried rice and the line: Keep calm and eat Kaname-chan's fried rice. At first there was a short moment of silence before Tanuma turned even redder and he burst out laughing, along with Taki. It was well done, the joke sweet and polite and Kitamoto and Nishimura winked at each other.

Putting the apron on, Tanuma smiled, and they admired him for a while before they started reading the yearbook. They all, except for Tanuma, glanced at Natsume but he just shook his head shortly. He saw Nyanko-sensei squinting at him, and showing a slight grin, but he ignored him and tried to think at least he was getting enough punishment from Taki.

The evening passed by with watching the yearbook, and listening to the Aerosmith album once again.

They have decided on sleeping a lot after midnight, and it was only then that Natsume managed to catch Tanuma alone as he stood alone on the terrace, watching the moon. He still wore his apron.

Natsume stood by him and glanced at his moonlit face, the faint silver gleam on his hair. His black eyes seemed to absorb all the light. The others were already snoring behind them, and the only other sound to be heard was only the whisper of the branches and leaves above them.

"Tanuma..." he whispered finally. He had no plan about what to say.

"Hm...?" Tanuma kept his eyes on the moon.

"I... I'm... So... I also had a present for you... But I've lost it somewhere... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't say a proper good b..."

"It's ok" Tanuma interrupted. "It's OK you couldn't give it... Natsume. It would have made the whole just harder."

Natsume felt his heart beating so hard it was almost audible in the silence. He felt his hands were getting sweaty as Tanuma turned to him and their eyes met. It was just lucky the moonlight was so place, it hid the burn on Natsume's neck and cheeks. Say something. Tell him you wanted to share your life with him. Just say... Say it already, dammit...

"I have long figured I can not be a help for you" – Tanuma went on, almost whispering. "I had enough of being weak and only being a burden for you. I know I should have told... I guess I should have. But this is what you wanted."

The last line was like a punch in the stomach.

"That's... Not true" – he breathed.

"It IS true. I'm weak and just make more trouble for you. I know well enough. There is nothing I can help you with."

"Tanuma! Stop it! Well, fine, I am always worried about you... That's true. But just because you are important and I don't want you to get hurt!"

"You are so damn selfish" broke out of the black haired boy. "You keep everyone at a distance, because you are afraid of letting anyone close. And you keep saying it is for our sake, without noticing it hurts. Yes, don't make such a look... It hurts a lot. It hurts a lot that you never consider other people's decisions and wishes. I wished to be by your side. I wanted to help. You think I was not worried about you? You think I didn't want to protect you from being hurt? You think it made me feel happy and safe to be kept so far from you? I told you so many times... And still... All you cared about was just your selfish worry, and covardice. You are a damn control freak. That's why... I had enough."

As Tanuma's voice faltered, a heavy silence fell between them. Natsume felt his legs were shaking, and the air felt somehow ten times colder than before. Tanuma's outburst was so sudden... Yet so true. His words were annihilating and painful, all the more because of the pain Tanuma must have felt during the years of their friendship. Natsume's eyes were burning but he kept back his tears... He didn't want to make the things even worse. But they were just pressing out too hard...

"I'm sorry" he breathed and did the only thing that seemed a right end for the scene; he started running.

Running into the cold, silvery night, with his tears flowing uncontrollably from his eyes.

He kept running until he could still stand on his feet. No one, not even Nyanko-sensei came after him. He was exhausted of the run and all the crying. Even like that though, he managed to keep his common sense as much to keep moving; if he lay down and showed weak or without direction he'd be easy pray for those who wanted the Book of Friends.

It was already dawn when he got home. He wanted to sneak in unnoticably but Touko-san was Already up, making breakfast.

"I thought you'd be home early" she smiled softly when seeing Natsume's red eyes. "Your friend popped in just half an hour ago to say good bye to us... He is so nice... A shame he leaves."

Natsume just nodded. So Tanuma came. Maybe he wanted to make up... Maybe he wanted to see he was safe. Maybe... Whatever. He was being a coward, just as Tanuma said, and ran away. He felt like crying again but was just too exhausted.

"Yes. It's a shame" he answered slowly.

"Ah, dear..." Touko-san embraced him tightly and caressed his back a bit. "He's such a good friend. You can be sure he'll be visiting many times. Or maybe he'll even come back, right?"

She smiled so nicely, Natsume didn't feel like inking her mood even more. So he faked just one more smile. One more, or one more? He didn't know.

"Wash your face and then you can come for breakfast" Touko-san let him go.

"All right, thank you" he said, though he didn't feel like eating at all. Lies, lies lies. He hated himself so much. He just turned away when the woman called after him.

"Anyway, Tanuma-kun has left you a CD. I put it on your desk."

"Oh... Ok."

A CD?

Natsume ran to his room and grabbed the CD. It was the Aerosmith album they listened to. He opened it in a rush and have looked inside the cover, then under the disc... Maybe a hidden message somewhere... But there was nothing. He did not understand. What was Tanuma trying to say?

He held the CD to his chest and collapsed on his futon. It was just then he stated crying, loud and bitter, the first time without fearing to be weak.


	2. Ch 2: You got to lose to know how to win

Well, lengthwise, this would be rather two chapters, but as it came as one complete section in my head, I upload it this way. Don't get scared of the many pages :)

Apparently, the story is only slowly evolving, I focus more on feelings and personal development for the time. Hope you don't mind.

Note: Koumyaku is the river of light, an idea taken from the series Mushishi. As there will be more Mushishi intertexts later, I do not go into more detail now.

Hope you'll enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it.

All my love to you,

Biryo

Chapter II: YOU GOT TO LOSE TO KNOW HOW TO WIN

After Natsume had cried rivers for a day, he fell into a long, dreamless sleep just to wake for a new world.

A new, gray, blunt world. Where there was no Tanuma. There was nothing interesting. No beauty. Nothing to wait for. But at least it was safe and without fear.

A week after Tanuma's leaving, he packed away the CD and the invitation cards. He took their pictures off from inside the cabinet, the cinema and theatre tickets, the napkins and the pressed flowers and leaves he kept, and shut the box of his memories about the black haired boy. First his friends, Taki, Nishimura and Kitamoto seemed angry about his decision, but as time had passed and the four of them lived on, they accepted his way of thinking more and more. Taki was the most persistent, maybe because she had been the closest to Tanuma. Every now and then when they met with Natsume, only the two of them, she'd try talking about him.

"I've been to the shrine today" for example.

"Hm" would Natsume say.

"You know I cannot see youkai... But I think they are there. I mean inside..."

"Taki" Natsume would be always gentle but strict. "I told you. I have nothing to do with that place. No more."

"But you think it's all right for the youkai to be there? They destroy all the statues, the flower beds, the maple tree, the garden we used to..."

"Stop it."

"The pond you used to..."

"Taki, please" Natsume was never harsh. Not even when he felt he should feel angry, the only thing he actually sensed was a slight tension in his chest, and his throat going a little soar of something withheld. But otherwise everything felt just ok. Maybe too OK.

"Everything has its own way of living. Both the youkai, and... He. It was his decision. We should let him live the way he wanted to and not hold onto something that is over. Right? Accept it."

He would often say this. Actually, almost every time when Taki brought up Tanuma's name, Natsume recited these lines. Always the same. He had deliberately avoided saying his name, as he deliberately ignored Taki's worried or sometimes even bitter or angry glances that followed his statement. He really thought this was the way he had to feel. He really wanted to think this was the way... He really wanted to feel this way...

There were others though who seemed all right with Natsume's decision, or at least did not care much. Natori, for example, who came over the following week by chance, did not seem really impressed about the news.

"Well, I'm sorry to say, but he really was just dead weight at times. The way he saved you once was an almost heroic act from someone like him, indeed, and I'd think he has somewhat potential. As a local priest, he could do fine" he flashed a smile that would bring flowers to bloom. "On the other hand, I can't feel truly sorry. Sometimes losses make us stronger."

He brought over some sake, but Natsume still refused to drink, so he was only sharing with Nyanko-sensei. Not because he wanted, but because he let his guard off.

Natsume sighed. He didn't want to talk about Tanuma. Neither with his friends, nor Natori, nor the youkai. No one. But they kept bringing his name up.

"He is not really something I wanted to talk about" he said.

"Is it not?"

"No, really not."

"You seemed close though."

"Right. But just drop it."

Natori sighed and for a while only gazed into his cup. Natsume watched his face and for the first time he asked himself why Natori never talked about any girlfriends or... Well, boyfriends? He didn't talk about any friends to begin with. He had fellow exorcists and he knew their families – some of them Natsume heard about. He probably had colleagues, actresses, actors, directors – there was nothing to be known of them. And then the void. Has he lost someone close to him? And if so... Ha he became stronger? Natori always reminded him that the time, when he had to choose between youkai and humans, would come sooner or later. As an exorcist, Natori claimed to choose humans, yet... He seemed to be all alone. His only steady company was Hiiragi who was as far from being a human as Nyanko-sensei from winning the Most Beautiful Cat of Japan prize. He had the desire to ask, but he didn't want to make Natori sad or angry. He was the only human friend left for him who knew about the Book of Friends and who could also see youkai.

"So what'd you talk about then?"

"Well... You see... I've been thinking. We are soon to choose what to do after school. And everyone else seems to have an idea so..."

Natori frowned.

"You want to know about exorcism?"

Nyanko-sensei seemed to sober up in a moment and now two pairs of eyes watched Natsume. Even the gecko on Natori's body seemed to react, as it showed up just a bit above his collar. There was too much attention and situation was getting perplexing.

"Oh... Well" the blonde boy mumbled. "I was just thinking."

"Whether being an exorcist necessarily means choosing parts?"

"Y-yeah, I guess."

Natori sighed and rubbed the part the gecko occupied.

"It is a really different way of looking at things. Even if you do not choose... Being an exorcist means you consider human lives are prior to youkai. No matter what. It is just the nature of this job, you could say. Besides..." – he pulled a smile at last. "It doesn't even bring a good money. If you are not as bright an actor as I am, or a lucky rich bastard as Matoba, you're better off with a decent job first."

Natsume felt his face pulling into a grimace. It must have been really expressive since Natori started laughing pretty hard. Natsume felt a strong blush on his face and he wished Natori was his age so he could confidently respond to this by throwing a pillow to his face.

When the exorcist seemed to cool down a bit, he put straight his glasses and looked at Natsume with a more serious expression.

"Let me just ask you one question, Natsume."

"Go ahead."

"Imagine your cat one day decided to turn into a mighty beast and..."

"I AM a mighty beast, you prick!" – Sensei, who had never been so considerate about age, was not shy to throw his sake cup in the exorcist's way, but Natori managed to avoid it.

"Whoa, hush. So, anyway. Nyanko decided to take his mighty beast form" – he glanced at the cat for assurance, and when there were no more flying objects, he continued. "He took his form of Madara and attacked your friends. He would like to eat them, and you know that. You can either kill him, or let him kill your friends. So...? Would you kill him or let him kill?"

Natsume gaped at him. So did Sensei.

"I... Er... I... Guess..." Natsume was in pain. He looked at Nyanko-sensei who was getting truly furious by now, but in this familiarly ugly form he still seemed just his usual company. Though... Even if it was the mighty Madara, who was looking after him in his sleep for so many times... Who saved him for so many times... On the other hand... Taki. Kitamoto... Nishimura... The Fujiwaras... Even Shibata. And Tanu...ma. The fragments of images of the Omibashira incident filled his head, they were sharp and piercing like broken glass. He shook his head.

Natori's cool voice was to wake him from the pain.

"It would be long over by now, Natsume. And you still can't come up with a decision, right?"

Natsume kept his fingers pressed against his forehead. To press back his tears and to keep his memories from winding up even more. Maybe he could at least exorcise his own thoughts.

"When you are an exorcist, indecisiveness is fatal. If you cannot choose, you are done. In this case you only lose your human friends, maybe. In others, you'll lose everyone."

"Like he could ever be an opponent for me" growled Nyanko-sensei, but he was approaching Natsume to curl up on his pillow next to him. Natsume reached out hesitantly and patted his head. In a few long minutes, his head stopped spinning and he could bring himself looking up at Natori.

"Guess you are right. I'm not suitable for it."

Natori smiled at him suddenly gently. With a smile he should have best saved for adult movies.

"Don't get so gloomy about it all at once. It is safer, too. By the time... You know... Maybe there's gonna be no more pages either, right?"

Natsume froze for a moment and glanced at Nyanko-sensei. Even if the cat could lose his limits almost in everything, he had a great capability to regain his senses when needed. Apparently, any hints about the Book of Friends worked as a trigger on him.

"That's a petty try to get any info out of Natsume" – he groaned at Natori. "Just bad enough that you know about it."

"Sensei..." – Natsume tied to catch him, but Sensei was faster this time and was already out of reach.

"And you" – he pointed at Natsume with his fat paw. "Stop freaking me out with this exorcism thing. Exorcism is for the self-loving wimps who wanna believe they can rule things with some half-hearted wizardry..."

Before he could go on, a well placed paper doll landed on his face and the cat froze for a moment before he would start trying to scratch it off. He was still talking but his voice was not audible, which made him look like a weird Chaplin comedy figure. Natsume was sure Natori's doll would have no effect on him in his real form, but Nyanko-sensei was just too lazy to exist all the time as the mighty beast... even if that was the only way his size could explain the amounts he ate.

"I'm sorry. He's pretty cheeky lately" – Natsume smiled slightly.

But anyway, he was right. It was dangerous enough that Natori knew. Even if he had no idea what way, Natsume grew to have the feeling, he couldn't go into more details than he already did. If Natori wanted to believe he could soon finish up with the names, then he should not deny. It was better like that. Even if, in fact, the Book of Friends seemed an endless job. Natsume have never made an effort to count the names, but sometimes it seemed as if – from time to time – new ones would keep appearing. Maybe there were names hiding under names. Or maybe some pages got revealed only when The Book was close to the owner of the name. He had no idea. But it was a clear fact he wouldn't be finished shortly.

Natori smiled politely as ever.

"Seems Nyanko still has some grudges on the one who sealed him."

"Hmph."

Natsume sighed.

"So what do you suggest instead? Just wait until I run out of the pages and make my decision only afterwards?"

"Yes, I guess. I don't know really much about the thing you possess but it might be dangerous if you got any closer to the exorcists than you already did."

Natsume nodded shortly.

"Just one more question: isn't there a way to learn only those techniques which would be harmless?"

"Harmless what way? You can paralyse or seal away a youkai, but that is a short term strategy. It would just anger them and make them vengeful. That's the way it is. Humans and youkai do not match. Maybe, just maybe they did once, when we both were bound to nature. But ever since humans evolved and we are not as exposed to nature's power anymore, the differences between us just grew too huge. We once needed to believe and to pray to the youkai to grant us good weather, a peaceful year, a clear path through the mountains. Now we can do it ourselves. And many of the youkai cannot accept this change. There has never been balance and there won't be."

The gecko crawled on Natori's left cheek and stayed there.

The silence that followed his words had deadly weight and Natsume felt his heart pounding heavily. He, unconsciously, thought of the pond in the back yard of Tanuma's house, the way they peacefully gazed at the reflection on the ceiling day after day. He thought of the Dog's Circle. Their parties, the flowers they were so eager to show him. Misuzu, the cruel giant who'd play shadow tag with them. And Sensei. The way he enjoyed Kitamoto's and Nishimura's superhero fantasies. No way. There was just no way there could be no balance.

He watched Natori, and the so-hated gecko on his face. He decided.

He couldn't agree with him. And he completely refused to think this way.

Watching Natori, for the first time he felt he could see beauty in the youkai marking the exorcist's face. It was a sign. A messenger, probably. They could live in symbiosis if they wanted to, and it was only Natori's way of thinking that made the gecko a parasite. Has he ever bothered asking its name for example? Has he ever tried to understand the thing itself over the mere reason why it might be there?

But as usually, he kept his questions for himself. And as Natori took a sip of sake, Natsume was praying it was only him to feel the distance growing between them again.

What a shame.

If at least he could get drunk at times like this...

"I get it" he said finally. "I think then I'll just come up with something more suitable then."

"Like being a flowerist?" Natori asked mockingly and smiled. "I saw your picture with the apron and the bow."

"Like hell" answered Natsume, blushing.

"C'mon. It is pretty" he went on, laughing.

As so, things were as usual.

And Natsume really felt light, and OK. He was smiling and having fun with his exorcist friend during the days he stayed in the village. They had walks in the forest, and did some basic tricks to help the weaker youkai, or to keep the stronger away from the fields of men. Every time Natori would go into details about how to deal with the sealed or weakened youkai, and Natsume would listen carefully. He made sure to remember every sign they drew, every movement the exorcist made, and every word he spoke.

It was a busy and interesting time, as every time when he got to work with Natori. And even though he felt big, black clouds forming above his head, he still had fun. He smiled. He was without fear. And it was OK.

His smile would only fade when the train that brought Natori back to Tokyo left the station, and Natsume's waving hand stopped in the air, then slowly moved back to his side.

Nyanko-sensei was sitting on his shoulder and let out a frustrated sigh.

"Geez, what an idiot..."

"Aw, let it be, Sensei. You are only hurt because he called you a cat and did not treat you with sake."

"If that was not enouh" Nyanko-sensei yawned. "Such things are merely called respect towards others. Honor, even. That Tanuma guy might have had just air in the had but at least he knew how to treat me."

Natsume sighed.

"I asked you not to talk about him."

"You are not any better, Natsume. Talking about exorcism, smiling like a lunatic. If I couldn't eat you in a single second you'd freak me out. It's gonna be a long way for you to compensate me for these days. You could start with a nice dinner of udon, for example."

Natsume was about to get angry, but decided it was not worth the effort. Nyanko-sensei would get his udon sooner or later anyway.

He patted his head and nodded.

"Fine. If you tell me your honest opinion about exorcism."

"There's gonna be no mistake in that" the cat squinted at him and found a comfortable position in Natsume's hold.

Apparently, the final exams were getting closer and Natsume still couldn't make a decision. Exorcism was out of question, be he couldn't come up with any better idea.

As to fill the weeks of procrastination with something sensible at least, he asked Taki to let him see her grandfather's notes, and so they spent a lot of time together, bowing above the old man's scribbles and drawings. By the time Taki learnt not to ask or speak about Tanuma. And Natsume considered this change as good. Even though, deep inside, he missed her questions. He missed hearing his name. He missed being angry about the mention of their shared days. He suspected Taki was changing letters with him, but she never told so. And this way Natsume could not even be angry about being told. Everything was the way he wanted things to be. And so he had no right to be angry about the fact that he was left out.

But the more he was trying to erase him from his life, the stronger his presence became in his dreams and his memories.

After days of studying the letters and notes of Takis's grandfather, he would often dream about Tanuma being in her place, about the heat of his body next to his, their eyes focused on the same thing as it had been so many times before. Other times he had dreams about reading Tanuma's notes, or his letters addressed to him, to him only. What was written there? By the time he woke, he always forgot. The only thing he remembered was the warmth he felt, and the only thing he knew after waking was the cold hollowness the dreams have left in him.

As to avoid his feelings, and the growing pain and loneliness he felt, he spent more and more time with his friends. Not only with Taki, but the others as well. They had study trips around the area, visited the hot springs, attended festivals (which Nyanko-sensei enjoyed the most, usually).

Soon it became clear, that none of this friends have planned to stay in the village anymore. Even Kitamoto had changed his mind.

"I could stay here, but the truth is that there is better education in the bigger cities. With train I can come home every weekend if I wanted to, or if I needed to, so it makes no sense to stay. Besides... My father was also thinking about selling his place. You see, his health state is not the best. He would feel safer if he was closer to civilization" he added with a laugh. "He means hospitals, but I know what he truly wants to say. I am a young man. I should start in a town and return to the village when I would like to slow down again."

Nishimura seemed to share his opinion. The other day he confessed he applied to a school of informatics in Tokyo. Sure, it required a lot of learning, but Nishimura at least had brains for maths, and he had a convincing calculation about how many times his chances for getting a girlfriend were higher in Tokyo than in the village.

And after the boys, it was Taki's turn. She was also heading to Tokyo. She wanted to become a journalist and had already been starting to work on her portfolio.

"Let's just face the obvious" Nishimura said one day. "Before Tanuma left no one of us would have had the guts to say we'd leave. Even though we all have better chances outside this village. The way he left was just enough to show it was possible... And the only sensible decision. We can still have a reunion every half a year at least."

As cruel as it sounded, Nishimura was right. And all of them agreed. Even Natsume did. Even though it hurt. Even though he had been the only one who didn't see his way out. Or any future outside the already familiar place.

Soon he found himself wandering closer and closer to the abandoned shrine. Every time a bit closer. The same way as he remembered more of his dreams, and as Tanuma took place in his everyday thoughts again. Where might he be? What might he be doing? What choice he made about his future? Is he thinking about him?

So pathetic...

Winter was coming on them with heavy frost and an unusual amount of snow. Also, an unusual amount of strange youkai who would line up in front of his window for claiming their names back. Seems the cold days made possible for some rare travellers to make their ways to the village after a long time.

Many of them stayed for a few days, and Natsume did not mind them staying in his room for a while. He would already admit he was growing lonelier than ever. Even though his friends still had been there, they were already sucked in by their books and studies. Besides, already the thought of their leaving made Natsume feel sick. So the lively atmosphere the migrating youkai created in his room was more than welcomed. Even the middle class, Hinoe, Benio and the giant Misuzu would look in every now and then to share a cup of good drink or to exchange some rumors about other areas' gods and beasts. Natsume was sure that from time to time the youkai were so much into their discussion that they even forgot about his presence – bowing above his books and trying to learn, often with his ears plugged, that really was no miracle – and they started talking about either really embarrassing things, or about stuff the boy suspected he was not meant to know.

That is how he got to know about Hinoe's new crush – that was more than embarrassing, a mushroom that Misuzu was allergic to – could be useful if the symptoms (again) wouldn't be more than embarrassing, the death of a distant mountain god – this was rather interesting, and about something that was called Koumyaku.

Natsume was busy with a sample for his final exams when the strange word hit his ear, along with a name that, he was almost sure, was Tanuma's. It was not the first, not the second, but not even the tenth time during the month that the youkai were drinking so heavily, and by the time Natsume was pretty sure they wouldn't have noticed him even if he started bouncing on half-feet singing Obladi Oblada while balancing a bowl of ramen on his head. Well, if something, then maybe the ramen they would notice...

But he was still cautious and bowed more above his text sheet, pretending he was not listening at all. Apparently, maybe he missed the most important part, but he still heard Benio speaking.

"So, has one of you REALLY seen the Koumyaku around the shrine lately?" she asked.

"Misuzu and I have seen it in the distance" it was Hinoe to answer first.

"Yes, I have also sensed" Mini Moustache agreed. "It was a long time before the Tanuma guys that the light vein last crossed this area directly."

"True that. But it was not complete this time either" now it was Misuzu. "That lad had no powers to completely reach for it. And know what, at this rate it's better this way."

"Still-still" echoed a bird shaped migrating youkai whom Natsume returned his name to just a few hours ago. Maybe he was Kurohane or Hanekuro or something like that? Maybe it was rather something he should have learnt... Natsume felt dizzy. "Just imagine the guy could actually use the Koumyaku. If he wanted to, he could erase all of us!"

"Shut up, idiot" Misuzu groaned, and shut he bird's beak by pulling a slim glass on it. "Even if he wanted to... IF he wanted to, you think a mere human would have the power to rule anything like that? It just proves how little you know despite the ages you spent travelling."

"I'd be rather worried what others could do with it. Weakening gods... Or even... Humans?" – a bigger guy, dressed in a deer's skin with its antlers on his head spoke. "Is this guy wise enough?"

"Deliberately or not, he managed to keep the Koumyaku as it was, untouched" Hinoe cut it short. "None of you had heard of it ever since, right?"

Natsume by now was at the edge of his nerves. To Hinoe's question there was no clear answer, but a mass of different answers, as if everyone had opposing opinions. Natsume grit his teeth to hear at least one clear voice. He didn't have to wait long, since in a minute Misuzu broke out with an unexpected, drunken fury. He was grabbing a smaller, mole shaped youkai by the neck.

"You! Stop just talking nonsense and spreading horror stories, you mud-digger. You are just too low class anyway to ever get close to something like the Koumyaku!"

As to respond, already more loud voices were to be heard, the smaller guys went against Misuzu, who would have stepped on them immediately if Natsume did not interrupt: he decided on skipping the Obladi Obladi part and rather punched Misuzu in the face. He thought he had enough time to regret if he needed to.

His punch was not just an end for the quarrel but also for the evening. It was also the last time he heard about Tanuma or the thing called Koumyaku – whatever it was.

Next day his first thing was to make sure, Nyanko-sensei did not remember much about what was told at night. He could have asked him straight but he was sure if the Koumyaku was really something so powerful, the youkai would simply deny he knew anything about it. Same for Natori. Natsume knew he'd best ask someone who might not have any idea of its importance.

He headed straight to Taki.

The village was still sleeping under the freshly fallen snow and even in his hurry, Natsume adored the immaculate, sparkly surface, the gleaming crystals of snow and the smoothness of ice. He loved the fog over the forest, the cracking sound as the river was still trying to make its way through the ice. The well shaped smoke clouds crawling out of the chimneys, the small lights in the windows. His heart sunk only as he looked towards the shrine, where the only sign of life was a big cloud of crows feasting on the leftover plants.

As Natsume did not bother to check the clock before leaving the house, he was first surprised, then embarrassed and in a few minutes ashamed about knocking on the door of Taki's house for long enough that the girl finally showed up in pyjamas, rubbing her eyes.

"Natsume...?"

"Taki! What... Wha... I mean... What's the time?"

"It's five in the morning" she yawned, and embracing herself she peeked behind Natsume's back. "Is there a youkai? Are you in danger...?"Natsume did not seem to be, but then why the hurry?

"Oh GOD. Oh... Erm... Uh... I'm... Jeez, I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing..."

"It really is, and cold too... So come in already" she took him by his arm and pulled the boy into the room, closing the door behind him. Natsume stood there, his boots oozing water and mud. Taki yawned and looked at him with searching eyes.

When long minutes passed without any speaking, Taki finally sighed.

"So...?"

Natsume watched his feet and the puddle growing under his soles. Five am. Was he out of his sane mind? What got him? His cheeks were burning and he suspected it was not just the chilly air that was to be blamed.

"It's ... Well... It's about him."

Taki gave him a flat look before asking "Tanuma?"

"Yes. It's about Tanuma."

"And what about him...?" she took a robe and pulled it above her pyjamas.

"I start to believe there were more things he did not share with me."

Taki watched Natsume for a few seconds, then took his hand gently. "Come, I make you some tea."

When already seated, both cupping their hands around the warm mugs and neatly wrapped in fluffy blankets, they started talking again, speaking soft and low, as if all their words were secrets.

"So am I right? Was Tanuma really keeping secrets?"

"It's not exactly that way" Taki whispered, running her finger round the rim of her mug. "I don't want to sound harsh, Natsume, because you know how much I love you... But you never asked. I'm sure if you did so, he would have told. But you have always been really busy, always on the run, so... I guess there were things he just did not talk about. It's not as if it was a secret though. I don't think he would hide anything from us."

Natsume sighed and watched his own reflection on the surface of the green tea. He looked just as sad as he felt. Just as hurt. He inhaled the fragrant steam, and thought about the breakfasts with Tanuma. The mornings in his kitchen. The smell of the porridge, the sunny side up eggs, the pancakes and the tea. The finest green tea. The fragrance of the herbs in the garden, and that their hands smelled of humid soil after pulling them for spicing. That he felt this nice earthy, fresh fragrance on everything in Tanuma's house, the bedding, the towels, Tanuma's clothes... He imagined the boy had the same fragrance as well.

His chest was tightened by pain.

"And... So... What is that I failed to ask?"

"Why do you ask me?"

"You seem to be the only one to know anything about him... By now" Natsume whispered.

He felt Taki's gaze on him. It felt heavy, but somewhat comforting. "I don't want to force you to tell me anything you don't want to, or... That you think he wouldn't like you to tell me."

"I just don't understand. Why now?"

Natsume looked up and their eyes met. He noticed just now how mature the girl became in the past few years. She was almost a grown up woman by now. She was beautiful and her eyes warm and knowing. The blonde boy suspected she knew ways more than she was showing or what she was told. Maybe she also knew about what he wanted to say to Tanuma... What he should have... About sharing lives... About being the only one he could share with... About...

He felt tears dwelling up, but for one more time – one last time, he forced them back.

"I've heard the youkai bringing up his name. At least I think it was him."

"The youkai? You mean the Dog's Circle?"

"No. Well, not only them. It seems others too have noticed something suspicious around the shrine before his leaving."

"Something suspicious...?" Taki narrowed her eyes thinkingly , and backed up her chin with her fist.

"I don't know. He has decided on learning everything from his father... The scripts, the seals, the citations, the prayers... If you mean that..."

"I... Well. I do not actually know what I mean" Natsume admitted.

He felt defeated. Tanuma has really been doing this? How much time has he missed from the life of his friends? Was he even to be called a friend? The gentle memories of the shrine's garden were replaced by Tanuma's last words. About just how self-centered, selfish and controlling he was. Tanuma was harsh, but he was right. And the words that did not cut deep that time just cut to his guts this time.

He saw something stirring up the smooth surface of his tea. He watched the gentle circles running towards the sides of his cup. Then another.

It took him a few moments to realize he watched his own tears, flowing from his eyes, sucked in by the tormented eyes of his wavy reflection at the depth of his mug. He felt Taki's warm hand on his arm.

"The thing... The thing they talked about... It's called Koumyaku. I don't know if it has anything to do with what he was learning..." – he managed to say, wiping his tears.

Has he ever cried in front of others? Maybe not. Maybe...

Maybe it was time to be honest. If not about things that could bring danger on others... Then at least about his feelings. It seemed hard enough for the time. Taki embraced him gently and he leaned into the embrace a little. Her warmth felt good and he felt comforted for the moment.

"Koumyaku..." the girl kept whispering as a mantra. "I don't think he said anything about it... Yet... This name... It sounds so familiar... As if grandfather told about something like that... Once..."

"According to the youkai" Natsume wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. "So according to them, it should be something... Like a light vein."

"A light vein...?"

"If I understood well..." Natsume sighed. He was not sure in anything for the day.

Taki let go of him slowly and watched his face. The longer she watched, the harder her expression became. Then she finally slammed her fist on the table.

"If there is something like that I help you find it."

Natsume watched her with growing admiration. Her statement had so much power. Yet...and that part made Natsume feel at loss again, this also meant there was something Tanuma held back from both of them.

They have spent the whole day in feverish search for every piece of paper, corner of books, notes, footnotes, toenotes of footnotes... Everything they have never bothered reading through until that day, but the Koumyaku was not mentioned anywhere. It was devastating. Unnerving.

They did so much, they had so high hopes... And there was still nothing in their hands.

It was already dark outside when they finally gave up. They shared one more cup of tea, sipping it without talking, and then said good bye.

"Maybe tomorrow" Taki tightened his hand encouragingly. But Natsume felt neither of them really believed in it.

As he was walking home, he let the pictures of the fully written pages of the books swirl in his head. Notes on notes. Secrets under secrets. So many things he did not know. So many things he wanted to know. To understand. To ask.

He was listening to the snow and ice crackling under the sole of his boots, and the silence that enveloped him. Books written pages... It sounded like a line from a song he once heard. He could even find the tune for it in the muted night.

"Half my life is books, written pages..." That is. He smiled for a moment. It could very well be about him and the Book of Friends.

Wait a minute.

He already thought about this once.

His feet stopped moving for a moment, as realization ran through his body like electricity.

It's THAT song.

The next thing he knew was that he was running. As fast as he had never done before. Faster than any time he was running away. Faster than he knew he was even able to.

He ran into the house, ignoring Touko-san yelling after him about the mud, and about her worries of him being late. He would apologise and explain it later.

He also ignored the youkai who were filling his room again. He would lecture Nyanko-sensei about it later. He pushed away some weird, carrot headed guys and a red rat shaped thing from his drawer and pulled out the bottom drawer. The plain cartoon box was there, neatly and thoroughly sealed with thick layers of duct tape. He looked around but it seemed none was truly impressed by his stormy entrée, so he sneaked out with the box and – already on tiptoes – he climbed up to the loft. He knew he had seen an aged disc player somewhere around.

It must have been only thanks to the good spirits he found it and it was still working. Natsume torn the box of his memories open – napkins, cinema and theatre tickets, dried flowers and leaves flying around him, and under them there is was: Tanuma's last message, that freakin CD with the freakin moustached guys on the cover.

For a moment Natsume felt a slight uncertainty.

Why was he so sure this was a key to anything? It was just... So ridiculous. Just look at those guys.

Still though, he took the disc out of its case and placed into the player with shaky hands. Which track was it? Just which one? He knew he looked over the cover for a thousand times before, but now he did again. And there it was. One title underlined with a faint line of a hard charcoal pencil. The same Tanuma used for his drawings in the invitation cards.

Natsume forgot to breathe and his heart must have skipped more than just a few beats as he switched to the track. He let his muscles relax only as the first sounds – crackly and a bit torn – were to be heard.

The song started flatly with some blunt guitar part which, for the last time, made Natsume uncertain. Was this really THE one? But as the singer was first to be heard and as the lines, the words, the sounds filled his head, Natsume had no more doubts.

Dream on.

Just dream on.

That night the youkai stayed long, and he was hiding alone, listening to the track over and over again. He couldn't make much out of the lyrics but he was too tired for the day to look after it.

Later, when the house emptied, and both the Fujiwaras and the youkai were sound asleep, Natsume finally crawled back to his room.

Despite his exhaustion though, he was still lying in bed awake for long, with the stoned Sensei snoring by his side, and he imagined the reflection of the pond flickering above his head.

Dream on.

As he finally fell asleep, he still could feel that warm, gentle waving and floating – first only inside his closed eyelids, then in his whole body. He knew he was dreaming, therefore he kept his eyes shut. If I'd open them, it would be over... But a gentle voice, that felt familiar and inviting had called out his name. It was calling him. Over and over again. Until he finally opened his eyes.

What he saw, was a stream of liquid, golden light. Warm and endless.

He saw it only for a moment before he fell into Tanuma's bottomless, dark eyes.

And then there was darkness.

He was lost and afraid.

Alone.

It was not safe.

And not OK. Not anymore.

But at least there was some beauty. Something to dream about. And maybe... Just maybe, something to wait for.


End file.
